Back to Basics: Natural Hair Care

I am natural. I have been for the last 8 months. I transitioned for a year and a half and my big chop was on a whim. I find that most of my big decisions have been on a whim. But after 8 months, I'm finally finding my natural footing.

The last 8 months looked something like this:

cleanse with apple cider vinegar
co-wash
deep condition
seal with jojoba oil
blow dry on friday night
flat iron saturday morning
bun until friday

lather, rinse, repeat. You get the picture.

Yesterday I had a revelation. Before I went to bed, I decided to check Curly Nikki, and she had an update where she admitted to using hair grease, which is taboo in the natural hair community. It wasn't so much that she used grease, which I have never been a fan of because it's too heavy, it was that she said her regimen mimicked the one of her younger days. My hair heyday was from 4-10, before I had a perm. My hair was thick and long. My signature style was the threes; one in the front, two in the back. The one in the front, which was placed on the top of my head, was shoulder length and the two in the back, where arm pit length. My hair was healthy.

I asked my mom what she did to my hair and she said that all she did was wash and condition it and it grew like that. I don't know how often she did it, if she used grease or not, but according to her it was a simple wash and go. She washed my hair and let it air dry in the twists and it thrived. I began to think: how do I update that basic regimen for a 25 year old with an adult life and adult responsibilities?

Here is my current regimen:

1. Shampoo in sections: because my hair is so thick, it's hard to clean my scalp properly, so I decided to rinse shampoo my hair in banded sections and remove them once the scalp is cleansed. Some naturals cleanse in braids but that's too complicated for me and I don't feel like braiding to remove them a few minutes later. 
2. Tea rinse: I rinse with black tea and let it sit for a few minutes. This adds sheen and strength to my hair.
3. Cool and seal: I found this method on curlynikki.com and I like it a lot. I add a basic conditioner to my hair and use my hair dryer to heat it for however long my arm holds up. I really like dove repair and Aussie moist conditioners. While the conditioner cools, I use this time to detangle my hair in sections. I section my hair in fours and clip them with butterfly clips. As I move to a section, I divide my hair into two and detangle that way. I  add the deep conditioner to my hair and let it sit for a few minutes before rinsing. I like to use Aussie 3 minute miracle.
4. I  resection my hair into fours and towel dry it. I band each section with two bands to stretch the hair.I sometimes use a glosser, which adds a nice smell to the dry hair. I allow the hair to air dry. 
5. my hairstyle of choice is a simple bun that I tie with the headbands which look like a long scrunchy. I tie the band like I'm wearing it as a headband but I tie it 3 times so the bun is smaller. I then twist and pin until everything is in a neat.
6. for maintenance: I used a water and Garnier Fructis conditioner that I didn't like on my hair and I spritz my hair when it becomes dry. I also use a castor oil and apricot oil mix when my scalp become dries. My dad, who owns a health food store, sent me 16 ounces of this oil which I'm hoping will replace Jojoba oil, which is $10 for four ounces and only lasts a month when used right.$10 is a lot on a budget. The ultimate rule in natural hair care is: do not throw anything away. You can use it as a leave in spritz or when the weather changes. 

That's basic, very few products, and low maintenance. We'll see how that goes but my hair seems to like it. My hair looks healthy and shiner. My hair, straight, natural, or relaxed, likes to be left alone.

TOTD: No one wants to win second place

Like all dogs wanna go to heaven, all hoes, jump offs, girlfriends, fwb's, eternal fiances, long term partners, baby mamas, any title that is not wife, all want to be wives. When someone tells me they are content with being anything but a wife, I rarely believe them. While you may be "happy," you still want to be a wife. No one trains for a race aiming to win second prize. When you settle for the title of anything but wife, you are accepting second, third, honorable mention, and not even worth mentioning. Like Steve Harvey has said multiple times, "when a man loves you, he gives you a title." I'm going to take it further, when a man really loves you, he makes you his #1. He makes you his wife. Women, who have settled for being second place, have been vocal in their instance that being a wife is overrated. So is being a jump off.

Men are not complicated creatures. We, as women, make them complicated because we don't wan to accept the truth. Men have 3 basic needs, food, sex, and money, not complicated at all. They actually tell us what they want. They may not vocalize it but their actions say it. If a man is saying he doesn't want a relationship, listen to him, he's telling you the truth. If a man says he doesn't want to get married, pay attention. If he's cheating on you, leaving you high and dry, blowing you off,telling you he doesn't want to be with you and giving you an invitation to cheat, he's telling you he doesn't want to be with you and he doesn't respect you.

Move on. Stop wasting time with men whose only plans are to bust a nut. It doesn't take years to get married, if a man wants to marry you, he'll do it. Lamar Odom was in a relationship for 12 years and had 3 kids with the woman, married Khloe Kardashian, who he has no kids with, in a month. His long term girlfriend said he was a commitment phobe, no he wasn't, he just didn't want to marry you.

Sometimes you're not wifey or girlfriend, you're ol' faithful. Most women have played ol' faithful. I know I have. When I was in college, a "boyfriend" of mine, after a month separation, walked into my job kissed me and we were back together. Come to find out, he spent that month romancing 3 women, being Facebook official with one, and really wanting to be with my co-worker but her rejecting him for her boyfriend of 6 years. I was ol' faithful. I was the one he could be with when his options waned. He knew where I was and that all he had to do was kiss me and say some sweet nothings and it was back on. Don't be ol' faithful. He's not going to make you official, he's not going to realize how much he loves you and marry you, he's not going to stop chasing other women. You know why? Because he knows there's something better than you. If he does make you official, it'll only be because all of his options have dissapeared.

 Don't settle for that. You deserve more. If you want to be married, find someone to give that to you. Don't settle for someone who only sees you as a filler. And when he comes back, which he will because men come back to ol' faithful because she's faithful, tell him to kick rocks. He won't change and he doesn't respect you.

Before I go, ladies stop having kids, buying houses, claiming to be engaged, basically playing wife to a man who has no intention to play husband. Stop doing that. When he puts the second ring on your finger, makes the vow in front of God, and signs the paper, then have the kids, buy the house, cars, have joint accounts, etc.  

The most beautiful person in the world

One of my favorite songs is Prince "The Most Beautiful Girl in the World." I listen to it for pleasure and when I need a boost. I like this song because it's not about external beauty but internal beauty.

As I was listening to the song, I realized I am the most beautiful woman in the world. It wasn't out of conceit, although I love my looks, it was because if I'm not who is? Some superficial celebrity whose job it is to look like that? Some stranger?If you're not the most beautiful person in your eyes, who is? Everyone should feel that way about themselves. It's not taking away anyone else's beauty, it's celebrating and appreciating your own. Everyone should be pro themselves.

My beauty is not only external but it's internal as well. I am beautiful because my spirit is beautiful. I am beautiful and no other woman can hold a handle to me. Your spirit can make you beautiful or ugly by default. Have you met a beautiful person, whose clothes were nice, hair was nice, skin flawless, features flawless, but their spirit was ugly? They became ugly very quickly. Their outer beauty and inner ugliness merged and all you noticed were their flaws. Same with a person lacking in out beauty. A person with a beautiful spirit and lacking physical looks becomes the most beautiful person in the world. You forget about their outer lack of beauty and become entranced by their inner beauty.

Celebrate your inner beauty and declare yourself the most beautiful person in the world.

Mariah and Nick

The rumor mills are ablaze with the fact that Mariah Carey said in her interview with 20/20 that she does not trust her husband of 3 years. In the clip, Barbara Walters asked Mariah if she trusted Nick and she said sometimes. Nick looked very shocked and assured her that she could. This part has received more attention than the babies themselves.

I'm cringing, not because of the soundbite, but because this interview shouldn't have been done. Mariah and Nick should have given 20/20 a picture or tweeted or posted them, but this interview may be the beginning of the end. Anytime you let someone into your relationship, be it one person or millions of people like Mariah and Nick did, you break the bond that you and your partner have. Not only that, it's difficult to get those people out. Now Mariah and Nick's relationship will forever be scrutinized. Everything is open for discussion. Did he cheat? Why would they get married if they didn't know each other? Why did they argue?

Mariah and Nick, let this be your last joint interview. Let this be your last interview about your relationship. Keep your relationship private. Don't involve your family, friends, the public, your hair dresser, anyone. Your relationship should be between you, your spouse, and God or your higher power.

(Dem babies, Monroe and Morroccan, via dembabies.com and musicbox.com)

Tyler and Kim

How do I begin this? This has been marinating in my mind since I heard the news of Kim starring in Tyler Perry's new play turned movie "'The Marriage Counselor," but it only hit me a few minutes ago while I was bathing. Let's get into it.

Kim Kardashian is starring in Tyler Perry's new movie as the assistant of the said marriage counselor, played by Journee Smollett, who gives her boss a makeover to help her struggling marriage. I have seen 4 reactions to this news. Mad that a woman who got her start in a sex tape is taking roles from women who have worked hard to make it as an acress; dissapointed that Tyler now seems to be falling into the hollywood trap; shocked that after Kim's less than stellar performance in "Disaster Movie" that she's getting another chance to act; indifferent, most people don't care about her or Tyler Perry's work or will still see it anyone. I am indifferent. I respect Tyler Perry's work, love Madea, and have seen all of his movies and most of his plays. Say what you want about the quality of his work, the man hustles and works hard. He is making more money that veteran movie producers like Steven Spielberg. This post is not about Tyler as much as it's about Kim.

I think people are giving Kim too much credit. I think Kim is giving Kim too much credit. I respect the Kardashian hustle. They have a $65 million empire that probably isn't slowing down as long as Kris has breath in her body. She turned an embarassing sex tape, literally and figuritively, into a lucritive empire complete with every deal imaginable. Kim doesn't need to be an actress. She probably wants to legitimize herself. The number one rule in Hollywood is that if you're a reality star, tabloid star, girlfriend/baby mama of a well known person and you want to be respected, become an actress.

Kim is not starring in "The Marriage Counselor." I've seen the play, the assistant only gets a half hour of screen time at most. I doubt Kim's screentime exceeds 1/4 of the movie. Maybe Tyler will expand her scenes. But Jurnee Smollett is carrying the film. She has the title role. I admit I want to see how Kim does but I don't expect her to bomb. I think she'll have a few lines, will look cute in her outfits, make some faces and go home. That's it. I don't doubt that Kim will be promoting the film like she's starring in it and she will probably have her own poster because her name is marketable. It's like Beyonce in Cadillac Records, she promoted the film like she starred in it and she was on the poster, but she only appeared in the last few scenes of the movie and her screen time didn't exceed 20 minutes.

 Tyler Perry fans, relax. Kim will not make or break the movie. Jurnee Smollett will not make or break the movie. People are not coming to see Kim; they're coming because of the name Tyler Perry. The only name that will make or break the film is Tyler Perry.