Random Thought of The Day: If I Died Today

For the last couple days, I have been contemplating what I want out of life. There was a time when I knew but now I feel lost. I read an article about finding what I want in life and how to get it.http://www.wisebread.com/defining-success-if-you-dont-know-what-you-want-you-wont-know-when-youve-gotten-it One of the exercises was to write what would be my biggest regrets if I were to die today. Morbid, I know. I struggled a bit but two came to mind, never being in love and being passive.

Regret #1: never being in love.

I want to have one of those passionate relationships. The one where it starts of very hot but eventually cools down. One of those. I don't expect it to last forever but if I could experience being consumed with unwavering passion just once, I'll be okay. I've never experienced deep love. I want a love that just fits. I'm not talking about superficial love, I'm talking about real, deep love. I want that.

Regret #2: Passivity

I'm passive, I'm passive-aggressive. I wouldn't describe myself as very assertive and I'm definitely not aggressive. I'm very chill and mellow. I am naturally laid back. There aren't a lot of things that make me mad. I am also very flexible. Those are all issues. I'm too passive. I'm too quick to say "okay" and too quick to let go. I often hide my feelings and I rarely say what I feel. I don't follow plans and i just do whatever and hope it works out. I can't do that anymore. At 25 years old, I need to learn to use my voice. I need to learn how to respectfully state my opinion. I can't drift through life doing what I think feels good. I have to be more proactive.

I've always envied people who could state their opinion and have everyone respect them. I've never felt respected or even valued. It doesn't help that I'm soft spoken. I don't feel like I try hard enough or I fight enough. I'm quick to throw in the towel or let things go. I let this blog go for 6 months, I've let other things go. I can't just passively let things go. It's okay to stand up and fight. That's what I need to learn. It's okay to fight for what you believe in and take a stand.